Two years ago today, after 10 years of waiting, I met the little face via color print-out of my daughter.
Since then I have had the incredible privilege to get to know this little face. She is exactly how we thought she would be. Observant, cautious, funny, intense, beautiful. She has stolen our hearts. I know every parent says that but really. Our world revolves around this little imp.
Below is the story of "the call". Enjoy.
November 19, 2003
On the morning of the 19th I was frantic to hear news but had convinced myself that I wouldn't hear anything. I knew that most other agencies had received their referrals and was joyful and skeptical at the same time. I had agreed with H awhile back that he would be the one to get the call and he would then surprise me. His rational was that he wanted to be the one to tell me in person and not for me to hear it over the phone. I think it was all a ploy to get the news first. At around 9:30am he calls me to remind me not to get on the computer and read the boards. I thought that was a little odd so I asked if he had heard anything. He said "no". Liar. He said he just didn't want me to get my hopes up and be an emotional rollercoaster all day. I'm not sure what I did that morning except resist the strong urge to turn on the computer. Then the phone rang. It was S from our travel group.
Me: Well what?
Me: Well what?
S: Oh, ummm.
I can't remember what she said next. I think I said something like "My little friend H must be hiding something."
I called H immediately and asked if he got a call.
Me: No calls?
H: NO calls. I have to go back to work. Click.
I drop the phone and start sobbing. Big long sobs. I just knew our referral must have been left out. There HAS to be a problem. I call our agency and Suzanne answers. I ask if referrals came in. Yes. Were any left out? No. I thanked her and hung up. Relieved I decide to go grocery shopping to get my mind off of everything. Great idea. I went and walked up and down the aisles like a zombie. I remember thinking to myself "this is the last time I'll grocery shop without knowing what my daughter looks like.", "this is the last time I'll decide between peanut butter brands without knowing what my daughter looks like.", "this is the last...
". I did that with everything.
I finally get home and see H's car in the drive. Hmmmm, something's up. I'm smart like that. I came in hauling the groceries and trying to act all cool. I didn't ask until I unloaded every bag.
Me: So, have you heard anything?
Me: (now furious) You mean to tell me you DIDN'T get the call?
Me: (now very meek and truly believing him) really?
H: Honey, I really haven't heard anything.
Me: (now I've swung back to being pissed.) Well, I'm going to call
them!! (I start marching over to where we keep our address book.)
H: Well, where's the phone?
Where's the phone? Where's the phone? What the heck does that mean? I quickly turn around to face him in order to give him my "what the heck have you been smoking" look. I turn and he's smiling from ear to ear holding a huge print out of Tootie's referral. "Take a look at the daughter God picked for you." were his exact words. Everything went in slow motion. Again, I fell to my knees and sobbed.
My daughter. Our daughter.
So that's what she looks like. She kind of looks like me.
She has that same dumb look I get. There she is.
Oh, look at her little hands.
Look at that silly stuffed monkey.
From the moment I saw her I couldn't imagine her looking any different. You would think I would be terribly mad at H. It all melted away. I was in love. Nothing else mattered.
We had a daughter.